Totem Spirit

By Request...

2008-04-24T06:44:00.000-07:00

A good friend has requested a close up of the beading in my Medicine Pouches...I aim to please...

This is the best one I have of the Eagle... It has already been gifted so I can't take any more photo's unfortunately.

The Lion, like my Son, is my pride and joy. As you can see he has additional charms and medicine symbols sewn into his mane.

I've tried to get in closer but my camera skills are relatively limited and it all becomes a blur....another skill to practice on...

It's Been Forever...

2008-04-24T04:15:00.000-07:00

It's been ages since I've written anything... I've been side-tracked with other ideas. Not that this is a bad thing, it's just different. My creativity has possessed me lately and what with cooking, crafting and readings, I don't seem to have time for anything else.

So what exactly have I been doing...ho hum...okay I'll share...

Welcome to Totem Spirit Designs!

Those of you that read my previous post on the trees, will know that I collected the energy available through ritual... the next step was to find somewhere safe to hold that energy...

This is what I created. This is my personal Medicine Pouch, which includes symbols of all the Medicine that I hold and can work with. As a first attempt I was really pleased with it, particularly since sewing was never among my gifts...

However I am a perfectionist and I wanted to improve on my new found skills...

This is where it led me...

The next bag I began was for my eldest Son, the Lion is his Totem and I wanted to make him a Pouch to carry his own Medicine in, when he comes of age. This one took me a month to complete, each bead is individually hand stitched and believe me it takes hours!!!

On a roll I decided to continue. I find it really therapeutic to just sit beading, it stave's off the boredom of housework and kids and I'm really proud of what I've created.

My latest creation was a gift for a close friend. She claims the Eagle as her Guide and I made this to mark her Rite of Passage into Motherhood.

I may not write again for a while, as I've already started my latest design and my fingers will once more be busy...

I am still available for Readings, Rituals, Dream Interpretation and Healing, so feel free to drop me a line.

........................

May You Always Walk In Beauty
Much Love,
Natalie.
wildmotherlightning@hotmail.co.uk

........................

The Ceremony of the Trees - Part Three

2008-01-16T13:00:00.000-08:00

It is only now, when I have left this place that I am able to return, and even now sometimes on the drive in I am overwhelmed with tiredness or lethargy. It's not right...I love to be here, it's my family home, the landscape of my childhood, it's where I left the magic...buried in the woods.

I have returned to claim it.

A journey revealed a vision and this is how it unfolds...

My feelings were unsettled as I drove home...home...I still call it that even though it's been a year, home is where the heart is, so they say. As I approached, my old stomping ground, I saw a Crow land in one of trees above me. Crowe is an ancestral name on my Mother's side, and Crow is one of my Totem's.

The Crow suggests a time of new beginnings, there is energy and magic surrounding me, a period of great potential is emerging. It suggests new opportunities and I should be watchful so that I may act on them as they arise. Conversation will be important if I wish to get that which I need. Group activities may provide the best format for me at this time, rather than solitary pursuits; a means to rediscover the magic within my life.

I took it as a good omen for the work that I hoped to do and tried to quell the uneasy churning within. As I grew nearer to the forest a sense of foreboding settled round me not aided by the dankness of the day. I parked up and skittishly got out of the car. I collected my things and paused as I debated whether or not to lock up...I looked around...there was no sign of him...heaving a sigh I hit the button, the car was now secure...but I was not...

I clambered over the gate and the fencepost's, twice catching myself on the barbs wrapped around it, though luckily neither pierced through. As I entered the woods a huge, Heron swooped up from under the bridge, it glided up the length of the river and disappeared from sight...I reached frantically for my camera all fingers and thumbs, at it's breath taking grace; unwilling and unable, to tear my gaze away. My feelings of despondency fled.

The Heron signifies that I am a woman that knows what I want emotionally. There is the implication that I am are used to being emotionally independent, though in relationships am found to be both reliable and committed. It advises me not to be impatient when it comes to love but to take action when needed and reminds me that I am not the person that I used to be, meaning that others may have to reassess their former opinions of me. The Heron tells me that assuming I follow my instincts, remaining true to myself rather than the guidance of others, I should embrace the opportunities presenting.

I stood silently, feeling the earth move and settle around me; I placed my hand on the Sentinel's sturdy trunk. "I've come for you," was all I said. Turning, I raised my hands to Spirit and began to call aloud; my voice rang unheeded through the branches and carried across the water, beyond the roar of its crashing over rocks. The Ancestors heard me, they came and lent their strength. To each tree I took a crystal; as I journeyed to make contact with the Spirit held within each ancient trunk, I slowly sketched a symbol onto the surface, drawing the energy into the stone and allowing the Spirit to cross over. When each crystal was charged I left it at the base of the tree, allowing the energies to merge, as I proceeded to the next. I was not disturbed...

When the fifth and final working had been done, I sat. I sat where I always sit and allowed my eyes to roam...what would I hear...where would I be drawn...what would nature bring me.......silence...emptiness...nothing...

The energy was gone.

It was my magic that brought the woods to life, the Spirits were my guides...they never let go of me...I left them behind...and my magic with them...

I collected my crystals...

As I climbed the gate for the last time, knowing I would never return, a wave of sadness washed over me. I gave thanks...for the good times, for the memories, for what we shared. With a bittersweet feeling I jumped the last few rungs..."Ow!" The wire finally caught me, third time lucky, thought I - damn. Touched then by a presence of old, I was kindly but firmly reminded; gifts are always exchanged, balance must always be kept. The price for this working, my blood...the blood of my ancestors.

The Ceremony of the Trees - Part Two...

2008-01-15T11:48:00.000-08:00

Some time ago now, someone new moved to our valley. He talked about animal rights, countryside acts and the freedom or right to roam...he re-opened all the bridleways locally and bravely stomped through Bull filled fields and quarry land to demonstrate his status as an Eco-warrior. He works for a local television station and is never without his camera...he'd die for a tree, has found God, and threatens tractor drivers who dare assault a tree branch with their spikes.

I was always unsure...in theory he was a man of action, and I agreed with much of what he did...then.

He became and still is a public nuisance. He harasses the local council and lies quite happily to satisfy his private wants and needs. He has vandalised equipment and threatened to demolish neighbouring land owners stables if they won't bend to his whims, he has blocked off entrances to our land and tried to evict me from my legal home; the Police are beginning to think that this population of 25, may need an office of their own! To add insult to injury he bought the woods...the right to roam stops there... he owns it, it's his property and he has reinforced this point with both fencing and barbed wire. He has closed the two footpaths that I rode through as a child and usurped the local fishers from their fun. He drove a stake through the heart of the Sisters Wyrd and in doing so he banished me from my friends.

The Deer cannot pass this way, the otter and the badger's are contained, no one sees the Salmon jump or the Heron's glide...and a little girl was driven from the woods.

I had a dream shortly after it happened...I was down the woods, part of me or another me was buried in the ground and as I struggled to pull her free...she startled me with a screamed, "No!" her gaze falling behind me. I turned to see him stood there with an ax raised high above my head. As my eyes roamed the earth it revealed dismembered bodies, women torn and scattered limb from limb...I say women, they were me...I looked into my own eyes, those of this other self, "I'm sorry", I cried, "I can't help you, I have to save myself," I turned on my heels and ran. I ran harder than I ever have, I could feel him panting at my heels, as I fled for home in fear and despair, tears blurring my sight. We were gathered in the kitchen, the women of my line and as I told my tale, my sister looked increasingly disturbed; she climbed out of the window and ran, "bugger this I'm out of here," was it, and she was gone...and with it fled the vision of my dream.

My sister did leave after that, perhaps it was her aching heart that kept her away for so many years; though she's home now, there's still an empty space. I didn't know what to do...when I tried to return to the space of my childhood, it was over fences, gates and wire, I was breaking in... he found me there once, I stood my ground, while shaking in my boots...but I never ventured down alone again.

When creeping in cover of darkness, my cousin and I went to drum; we heard the returning cry of our ancestors across the water, rolling, pounding, beating...faster... faster, their thundering call echoed through the night. We'd just begun a healing, when a rush of energy assaulted us, it enveloped and surrounded us, howling in it's fury, there was evil in it's presence and madness on its breath...The black wolf at our heels drove us screaming from the forest, in fear for both our sanity and our lives.

When we passed beyond the gateway it was gone...

The Ceremony of the Trees - Part One

2008-01-14T15:05:00.000-08:00

Over the last week or so I have felt an increasingly pressing need to do something for the trees where I used to live. It may seem an odd concept but I grew up with those trees, they were my friends. Over time I learnt their names; to work with them, to protect and ensure the safety of their woodland home.

The first tree you encounter as you enter the forest is The Sentinel, standing tall and proud, he looms towards the gateway, watching those that dare to pass through his domain. The path travels both sides of him and as in life you must choose which road on which to journey. When I worked there, it was usually with a tree further in, I always felt safe in the knowledge that he had my back and would warn me if someone intruded.

The place where I sit has a wonderful view up the river, though my photography does it little justice, in summer the Salmon here jump. Once while with my Partner an Otter came to play; my man was in the water when the otter dived in and headed straight for him. It was strangely scary after seeing films like Jaws, watching the movement through the water, as this small but speedy animal torpedoed towards him.

As I sit, in my solitude, I am not alone. The Moss is thick beneath my buttocks, and soft between my toes. He towers above me and I sense the depth of ancient wisdom at his heart. It is he that I seek to travel with, my protector, my champion, my guide; The Guardian of the Gates. His strength is my support and he holds me in his branches as I climb towards the Spirit world above...

When I've finished my workings, I visit with the Offering Tree; she has a deep hollow in her base, where I often leave food for local wildlife, along with tobacco, sage or crystals. This is where I give thanks...When I journey to the Lower World, this is where I come. Like Alice in Wonderland before me, I enter the darkness of the burrow and crawl down through her roots.

As you leave the woods two trees merge before you, they stand on the boundary, ever present, they are the watchers - The Sisters Wyrd... I've never really got close to them, their trunks stand high in the hedgerow, two grown from just one root. They feel like kin, ancestral ties...they remind me of the sisters of my own.

The Gecko...

2008-01-12T14:34:00.000-08:00

Today I did some travelling through blog land and visited a few of my favourites As always the photographs posted at http://adventuresoftimtim.blogspot.com/ never fail to inspire me and the latest find of a Gecko out of season, struck me as possibly having some deeper significance.

From a Shamanic perspective animals can provide insight into things which are occurring in our lives and this is more likely to be the case if the animal is behaving in such a way as to draw attention to itself; if for example it is seen in an unusual place, out of season, or acting in an unlikely way, as though playing out a message.

The Gecko's message is this:

The Gecko teaches us to do what we must in struggles, there may be opposing energies at play in our lives and you are reminded not to be passive. While the Gecko is naturally harmless, it is not afraid to bite if provoked. If you prevent opposition from occurring now, you will prevent it in the future. You may experience greater dream activity at this time and Gecko advises you to pay attention to what is revealed. It is a time to do what you must to restore order and bring and end to any conflicts, Gecko teaches the importance of righteous anger and reminds you to use it.

Tree House?

2008-01-09T11:45:00.000-08:00

Last nights dreams were a little more vague but I remember walking into the ground floor of a house and being met by the root system of a tree. As I looked upwards I could see that the tree had grown up through the ceiling and I climbed the stairs to investigate. On the second floor the vast trunk filled the centre of the room, as it continued upwards. By the third floor I finally began to see the trees branches, though these had broken through the roof as the tree journeyed skyward...

This was a clear image of the three worlds travelled by a Shaman, lower, middle and upper and is found in various guises throughout religion and mythology as for example, the Tree of Life, the Tree of Knowledge, the Bo-Tree of Buddha, the Philosopher's or Diana's Tree, and the Tree of the Universe.

In this instance it seemed to be an Oak Tree and it was its enormous trunk, the axis where it touched the earth, where lower and middle worlds meet, that drew my attention.

The Oak has been considered sacred for many reasons; firstly to the God of Thunder, as the Oak is believed more likely to be struck by lightning than other trees. It was venerated by the Druids and English history is rife with Oak trees, used for hiding, hanging, dining, meeting points, places of worship and it can also be seen as of royal significance in many instances.

I'm not sure of it's significance in my dream but generally in dream lore houses represent the soul and having formerly lived at Oakhill Farm and being twice struck by lightning, there is clearly a message for me here. Perhaps it is simply the point of being, where the Oak like the lightning meets the Earth and similarly to the Turtles of the night before I am being reminded to re-establish my connection to the Earth...as above, and so below...

I'm hoping that tonight will shed a little light on the matter.

Dreaming

2008-01-08T15:41:00.000-08:00

The other night I had the strangest dream...

I was driving passed some land that my family used to own with my partner's sister Mog. As I looked down into the field I noticed a Turtle, "Tortoise," an inner voice corrected. It was quite narrow and predominantly black, it was male. As my gaze wandered, I noticed another Tortoise, this was a female. She was very light tan in colour, much wider and flatter; "hugging the Earth," informed the voice. Pleased by my finds but feeling that they were not safe where they were, I decided to take them with me, thinking I could keep them as a pair. When I place the male near the female, he attacked her; "snapping", said the voice distinctly. I carefully placed them in boxes and stowed them in the car.

We continued on our drive and approached some houses. The house next to the one we intended to visit had a name plaque reading Phaidos; "note the Greek significance," stated the voice, and, "it's very high up," somewhat less committal. When we tried to enter the house of our destination, I noticed Christmas lights strung across the driveway - two foot from the ground... "Can you manage," Mog inquired, "Yes," I replied, "I can get over this..."

Symbolic of Mother Earth, the Turtle implies the opportunity for something new to manifest within approximately one months time. There is an implication of a link to the lunar cycle with this Totem and as such could represent the birth or creation of a child. A perceived opportunity is a real opportunity, not an act of imagination; be prepared to take advantage of this. It is a good time to express and act on your ideas, a good time to implement changes. Slow down and steady yourself to the rhythm of the Earth; if you have trust you will find what you seek.

There seem to be several messages within this dream, some of which I understand and some I'm not so sure of, so I'm open to suggestions...

The lights create an obstacle, here occurring as potentially symbolising Christmas and approach (driveway/entrance) and my assumption is that this represents the miscarriage which finally came to pass at this time. While I would not say that I am over the experience, my hormones are beginning to settle which allows me the clarity and strength to deal with what has occurred.

The Greek language used could represent my partner and/or his sister as they both have Greek ancestry and their fathers name has a similar spelling, however this didn't raise any sensations within me as I pondered it, so I decided to delve a little deeper...I Googled it...

This is what I found...

"I still cannot, in accordance with the maxim at Delphi, know myself. I therefore think it ridiculous, as long as I don't know that, to devote my attention to something that is foreign to me."Plato : Phaidos, 230a (Socrates is talking).

Bi-focality or a consciousness of both the empirical ego and the own-Self, represents a higher panorama in which the empirical ego is completely integrated, giving less afflictive emotions, goodness and a deep, clear, open & strong mind. The own-Self is thus a "higher" Self.

This seemed to resonate more strongly with me, particularly since the word "higher" was emphasised within the dream. Equally since meeting my partner I have struggled to maintain the higher-self consciousness, I had held prior to that. In this instance he would represent the foreign (double significance if his Greek heritage is taken into account) presence to which I then began devoting my attention. The distraction from myself and my life purpose.

The snapping depicted by the first Tortoise, could in this scenario represent the more masculine qualities presenting as a result of ego, control dramas, power struggles and afflicting emotions, to which my higher self was not prone. This would suggest that I am therefore attacking myself as a result of this division of self.

The Turtle reminds me to return to the Earth, to the feminine, the more open and loving aspects of my true nature. The next step is to work out how to unite both aspects...to re-find the peace I once found. The good news is that my "higher" self, the aspect of me that was able to lift myself high enough, to overcome the obstacle created by the light; believes that I can get over these difficulties.

Once again I am tested as I travel my chosen path.

Grandad

2008-01-08T15:29:00.000-08:00

The eighteenth anniversary of my Grandfather's passing approaches:

It is a time for remembrance.

..............................

The years have softened sorrow,
The time for tears is past.
Here is the poem I wrote for him then,
When I was just a lass.

..............................

I never really knew you,
though you were always there.
If I faltered you would catch me,
and let me know you cared.

I remember the smell of tobacco,
as it laced the air.
But life is ever fleeting,
you've gone I know not where.

Your home seems so empty,
Your presence no longer felt.
Gone but not forgotten,
not by those with whom you dealt.

We stood about the coffin,
a sob, a muffled cry.
I didn't really understand,
I never thought you'd die.

My love for you will never fade,
although you are deceased.
I'll always remember you as you were,
in the best of health, at least.

But memories grow weary,
and bitterness laid to rest.
I promised you I'd make you proud,
I swear I'll do my best.

..............................

For Grandad...

Never far from our thoughts and always in our hearts.

x x x

Poetry Competition

2007-12-05T14:51:00.000-08:00

Today I received notification that one of my poems is to be included in a hard back compilation, entitled "Immortal Voices," some what ironic with all the journeys I've been recalling of late.

I don't know if it's a bit of a con, to get you to buy the book, but I'm chuffed just the same. I'm also listed as a semi-finalist in the competition that they're running, so I have my fingers crossed for the huge cash prize!

Baby and the Snake

2007-12-04T13:39:00.000-08:00

I can only have been about seven or eight when I had this dream but I can remember the physical sensations as though it was yesterday.

In the dream there was a snake trapped in the divan base of my bed... as I lay there I could feel the snake moving, exploring, searching for a route out... I waited, breath baited. To my extreme surprise and horror I felt the snake slam hard into my lower back, throwing me into the air, as though forcing it's way up through the mattress.

Afterwards my back felt sore, bruised and tender and I was conscious of where I'd been hit. Just recalling the memory triggers the feelings it created, though bizarrely there isn't any fear.

The Snake is an archetypal symbol of resurrection and rebirth, the epitome of transformation and the cycle of life. It embodies the transition, of shedding the old, rebirth. During this process the eyes of the snake appear to cloud over as though in trance, implying the ability to move between the realms of the living and the dead. It reflects the possibility of opening to these abilities and awakening contact with Spirit. Snake teaches us to trust in our instincts, the vibrations that we feel from those around us. It symbolises change and healing, the release of fear and reminds us that in resisting we create a state of limbo.

Wild Mother Lightning?

2007-12-04T13:26:00.000-08:00

I was eight or nine the first time I was struck by lightning...

My Dad and I were down the field collecting a dead Ewe in the pick-up.The sky was grey and somber, the clouds engorged with rain. We'd just put the sheep in the back, as the skies opened and the rain came thundering down. "Jump out then Nat's," my father said as we pulled up before the gate and he nosed the truck further under the trees...

Boom!!

The wretched stench of sulphur engulfed me as light exploded before my eyes. I was lucky it wasn't a direct hit. Even so the force was enough to lift me three foot in the air and slam me five foot backwards into the side of the truck.

I was stunned...

My Dad made little of it at the time, trying to keep things calm as the storm raged around us. He later admitted that he'd never been so close, or quite so scared.

Some time later, around puberty, I noticed that when I was angry the clouds would start to gather and during times of sorrow, the skies would share my grief. I passed this of as a fluky coincidence, a strange or quirky thing. Another ten years came and went and while the weather matched my moods, the seasons drifted by. At twenty eight or there abouts, I experienced a Shamanic awakening during which my body twitched as it went through a series of convulsions. I felt as though I'd been hit again...

I didn't have much joy with light bulbs after that and Tesco's returns team got mighty sick of me, as I systematically blew up all my electrical goods. The engineers at B.T. renamed my home Thunder Road during the four years of my residence; damage causing lightning strikes increased at least threefold, they were out to me five times in just one week. I still have problems with the stereo, give people electric shocks and set off car alarms just by walking by but I can live with that, for now.

I only became aware that I might have some element of control over it when I fell out with my man... We weren't living together at the time and we'd had a blazing row.

I was enraged!!!

I picked up my drum and began to play, faster and faster, the beater drove me on, as my arms grew stiff and heavy and my motions just a blur. My intention was to release the tension, the energy build up inside, to let go of my fury and my pain. The drum thundered on, carrying me with it, swept up in my rage and my wrath...

Suddenly it stopped, the pent up feeling was gone...

Silence...

Peace...

I text my partner and told him I felt better, that I was calm now, "...could we talk?" He rang me laughing, "just before you text me, a huge thunderbolt hit the empty house across the road, the power's down for five blocks in each direction! I'm glad that you feel better though," he told me with great glee. I was horrified, thunderstruck; had I done it or was it just another fluke and what would have happened if, God forbid, my aim had been much better? It really had me worried.

I learnt to control my temper...(ish)...

The next time I was hit was a year or so later, I was driving up to school to collect Zach...

I could feel it in the air, it had rumbled on all day and I forced myself to get behind the wheel. I kept reminding myself that the car has rubber tires but it wouldn't stop the churning of my gut. As I pulled into the last turning, some excruciating four minutes later, I began to heave a sigh of relief...

...to soon...

Crash! Bang!

The lightning exploded beside me as I turned the final bend. I saw the air crackle and caught the toxic fumes, as the car tilted up onto two wheels. I leaned into the corner and tried to shift my weight, I felt the car recover with relief. It scared the life out of me.

A Shaman once told me that the third hit will come with my final awakening, I can't say that I'm looking forward to that day...although she says that lightning will not harm me...

I am searching for information, or anyone who has any experience of what it means to be a "Lightning Weaver" or a "Follower of the Lightning Path." These are the only Shamanic references that I have for what has occurred but I cannot find any details in print. I'd really like some insight if it's out there.

Zach and the Lion

2007-12-03T12:29:00.000-08:00

He awoke crying, distressed and confused. Running from room to room, it was clear that he was unaware of where he was or mine and my partners presence. "No, no...I can't, I can't," he moaned and sobbed, shaking with fear. When he finally came back to us, he told us what he saw...

He was in a shop, buying some sweets and things for the weekend. Some other boys which he didn't know were also there, but, "the things they were buying were weird," and he chuckles with amusement in the telling. With glee he describes how a man walked into the store and started to buy, "everything thats there," piling his basket high with goods; it is clear from his expression that this pleases him. Suddenly a huge Lion enters and begins to chase those within, in particular it chases Zach, both his terror and tears are real. "I can't get away," he tells me, "I'm running and running but I just cant...I can't..."

The Lion is Zach's birth Totem, revealed to me before I even knew that I carried him, and in his creation I sacrificed my freedom, the horse.

The Lion has long been symbolised as both strength and the sun; the patience we require as we reach towards our personal pots of gold. It suggests the need for cooperation and a gentle approach; although strong, brute force is not always neccesary, is the message of this Totem. They avoid confrontation but will not back down if forced to defend themselves and suggest the need to integrate the feminine within. The beast may be tamed by the gentle strength of love. It is a symbol of new birth and of power emerging, that of creative experession, intuition and the imagination. If these gifts are use then this power will grow.
In reverse the Lion offers an implication of pride, being to rigid, to inflexible, willful or domineering, creating problems within life. Goals cannot be accomplished in this way. This Totem tells us not to lose our nerve or to surrender, to roar if we feel threatened and defend the path we walk.

For Zach it's a case of walking a fine line, he wants to be king of the jungle but his youth holds him back. He is fearful of his own power and tries to use control dramas to compensate. Since entering the age of reason, at seven, has moved away from creative and imaginative pursuits; he is no longer bound to his Mother's side and is developing more masculine traits. The dream implies that he is not afraid to stand alone and that it is male company which he seeks; despite the fact that they may seem strange or weird to him at times, he appears to revel in the unusual. He is without doubt able to stand his ground, if he is willing to confront his fears and utilise the power which he currently holds within.

Medicine Man

2007-12-03T11:56:00.000-08:00

I have been one of those unfortunate women who has suffered from recurrent miscarriage. Some ten years ago now after the loss of my sixth child, the medical profession finally began some investigations. They ran blood tests for illnesses, infections and DNA based hereditary conditions...they found nothing. The unborn child, a boy, was sent to the lab for dissection, he was perfect...they could not help me.

One doctor suggested that I may be suffering from a condition called P.C.O.S. which causes small cysts to develop on the ovaries, blocking the follicles from which the eggs are released and referred me for a new procedure under experimental trial at the time. It seemed drastic to me even then, they wanted to remove a third of each ovary, forcing new growth to occur which they hoped would prove cyst free... there were no guarantees.

I later found that this treatment was recommended for women who had never produced eggs and didn't therefore have an ovulation cycle or period during which to conceive. I had demonstrated no difficulties in this area. I had already tried various healers, spiritualists, psychics and clairvoyants, to no avail and so I patiently waited for my operation date to arrive.

It was late Autumn, the leaves had already lost their golden glow and fallen, creating a thick mulch covering the land. Winter's chill had begun to creep into my bones and on the long walk home that evening I promised myself a long soak in the bath. I lay in the warm cocoon of the bath tub, allowing my mind to wander and drift, following the steam with my gaze as it wafted upwards in moist warm clouds. My focus was drawn to my right the steam there was not moving, it seemed to be settling and growing thicker, I held my breath as a shape began to emerge. Standing beside me was a six foot, powerfully built Medicine Man in full ceremonial dress, "give me your womb," he demanded, his voice reverberating around the small room. Stunned I nodded, unable to question or think...I began to tremble and a wave rushed through my body, forcing my muscles to spasm and contract. The sensation was similar to that of an orgasm, though definitely not as pleasurable.

The Medicine Man was gone.

Some days later he appeared within a dream...he took me to visit the children I had lost, to see them in Spirit and see how they had grown. I felt a sense of peace settle around me and awoke feeling tranquil and at one. As I left home that morning a spiral of leaves began to swirl and rise before me, "it's time to let them go," the Medicine Man's voice echoed on the wind. I felt a strange sensation, as though I was lifted, held. I felt safe, forgiven, accepted, I felt loved. I watched the leaves rise higher until I could see them no more, my sense of loss was gone. Later in another dream I watched as my power animal, a horse which I had been working with, was attacked and killed by a huge lion, at the time I didn't understand what this meant.

Two months later I was pregnant again, to mine and my partner's surprise...my surgery date had been set and doctors were baffled when I refused. Yes the operation would mean losing the child but my chances of the pregnancy coming to term were slim. They pressurised me to continue as planned, my instincts screamed NO!

I saw the Medicine Man regularly after that, he told me that my child was the first of seven souls which he had been called upon to bring through. My son was finally born healthy and whole on the seventh of December, despite him arriving some three weeks early. The Medicine Man checked in with us often over the next two years or so and I wasn't alone in being able to see him, Zach, my son, could to.

He left unexpectedly one night with a close friend of mine and despite having earlier difficulties with conception, her daughter was born some nine months later, she too had noticed the Medicine Mans presence. I haven't seen him since, except in journey space but before he left he told me his true name and to call if he was needed.

I don't know why I was chosen or what Zach's destiny will be but I know that some day the Medicine Man will return. His work is not complete yet, his missions just begun.

I eventually lost touch with the friend that followed in my footsteps, whose child was another of those brought through. By now all seven may have arrived!

I would be interested to hear from anyone who feels that this Medicine Man has made a connection with them or holds any insight into his purpose.

Halloween!

2007-10-29T12:58:00.000-07:00

I love Halloween. For many people it seems to be about death, dying or the dead but to me it's about life. Yes I remember those who have passed over but I also remember that I am still here, I am alive and that is my celebration.

Over the weekend, we threw a children's party - mixing traditional games with a few news ones, and modifying some old birthday favourites (Pass the Parcel - Trick or Treat style), we dressed up, decked the halls and made Pumpkin Lanterns to boot. The kids had a ball but the adults seemed vaguely mystified - two guests brought birthday presents...

"what so you're just randomly having a party?" we were asked

...hang on..."it's HALLOWEEN!"

There still seems to be a lot of bad feeling and confusion; it's over commercialised, Americanised, it has roots in Paganism and should therefore be feared...be afraid...be very afraid, tee he he. People don't seem to know whether to celebrate or not but all are compelled to prepared for those that do, inevitably spending a fortune on sweets which will last them for months.

For the Celts it was the last day of the year or New years Eve. Okay our calenders and beliefs may have changed or adapted since then but everyone recognises the onset of Winter - feels that little bit more lethargic, reaches for an extra layer of clothing or helping of pudding... The Summers warmth has come to an end and at some level we all feel and experience that.

I say we celebrate...

...the end of one cycle and the beginning of another...

Happy Halloween!!!

Fantastic Mr Fox

2007-10-24T11:46:00.000-07:00

Last night while out visiting some friends and family, a Fox crossed my path. It's was a youngster, not yet having reached full size but sinewy and athletic looking, graceful and agile. He emerged from the shadows in the East, loped across the road, disappearing into the undergrowth to the West.

The Fox is a keeper of magic, healing, shapeshifting and invisibility, a keeper of the between times and the sacred energy they hold. The Fox can act as a guide in these realms, teaching us the art of camouflage, that we may see or here things otherwise missed. It suggests that knowledge is power and that I should be wary with whom I share it. This will prevent the unnecessary obstacles created by others and allow me to accomplish tasks more quickly. It is a time of undercurrents that I now enter, the Fox is here to see me through unscathed.

Anna and the Bear

2007-10-09T13:20:00.000-07:00

It was the strangest dream...

I was living in a raised cabin in the forest, it was sparse but homely surrounded by trees. There were houses on the horizon but I was immersed in my beloved woods. My cousin had joined me overnight and when I awoke in the morning, she was still sleeping. There was something I needed to find, I knew it was important and leaving her to rest, I left to begin my search.

On leaving the cabin I noticed a Bear below me and decided to go a different way. I traipsed across the footbridge, some four foot off the ground, and the Bear ambled along below me. She wasn't threatening in any way and I knew she could reach me if she chose to. I entered one of the houses above and watched through the glass of the patio doors, as the Bear settled herself on the deck to wait.
I was looking through records, files and folders, searching for something that was mine. Something that had been hidden from me. I decided to return to the cabin, thinking maybe what I sought was within.

Anna had been smoking and the straw mattress was ablaze...I looked for an extinguisher in vain, knowing that I could lose everything. Bear tried to smother out the flames with her vast mass to no avail...the cabin was lost. I was offered a suit of rooms in which to stay, while my cabin was rebuilt...

"I don't want this," I shouted, "I just want what's mine!"

2007-10-09T13:10:00.000-07:00

She entered as they all do... seeking sanctuary...
A little peace was all she asked for...
A little peace...
So that is what I gave her...
A little peace...
And when she leaves that's what she'll take with her...
A little peace...

A little piece of me.

2007-09-22T14:33:00.000-07:00

How Do You Colour Your Life?

I decided to have a sleep

this afternoon. I'm in the early

stages of pregnancy and finding

myself increasingly tired at

the moment.

I began to dream...I was in my old flat, upstairs sat at my computer checking my emails.

I seemed to have loads; they were posted like links with a simplistic, symbolic butterfly

image to click on, they were beautiful...i hit on one, it was a rich purple, merging

into a soft pink..."How do you colour an abortion," it stated, "how odd," my

dream self thought aloud...another in a gorgeous emerald green caught

my eye, "How do you colour a miscarriage," there were hundreds,

"How do you colour... life, love, grief, passion..." the list went on.

Every colour, every emotion and experience was displayed in vibrant shades

of beauty. It's how you transform it, I thought to myself, it's how the butterfly

sets you free.I was disturbed by the sound of a child crying and ran to a downstairs

window, to look out. I saw a woman leaving, she looked a lot like me... It's time to go,I
told myself, as I began to wake.

It's all about perspective,

How Do You Colour

Your Life?

Navajo Healing Prayer

2007-09-19T14:57:00.001-07:00

"I have made your sacrifice,

I have prepared a smoke for you.

My feet restore for me,

My legs restore for me,

My body restore for me,

My mind restore for me,

My voice restore for me.

Today take out your spell for me,

Today take away your spell from me.

Far off from me it is taken!

Far off, you have done it!

Happily I recover.

Happily my interior becomes cool,

Happily my eyes regain their power

Happily my head becomes cool,

Happily my legs regain their power,

Happily I hear again!

Happily for me the spell is taken off!

Happily may I walk

In beauty, I walk!

With beauty before me,

I walk with beauty behind me,

I walk with beauty below me,

I walk with beauty above me,

I walk with beauty all around me,

I walk.

In beauty it is finished.

In beauty it is finished."

The Wheel Turns

2007-09-19T03:53:00.000-07:00

Over the last few days it's really begun to turn cold. I hadn't realised that Autumn had arrived. It just crept up on me. We were still having barbeques; playing in the sunshine, dancing in the golden glow of the Sun.

When the Willow told me it was time for a trim, it didn't occur to me...I cut and tidied her, grateful for the branches which would be woven into medicine shields, used for rattles or drum beaters...all Winter projects, but still it hadn't clicked.

It was the Spiders who told me in the end, arriving one by one...

Some made home in our bathroom, others in our bed,
Twice I nearly killed one, before I heard what she had said.

Thankfully twice I saved her, and now she shares our home,
She's lost a leg along the way and nearly drowned in foam!

Now she's settled on the ceiling, spinning all her traps,

Beware unwelcome visitors, beware you Moths and Gnats!!!

Some time ago I was invited to apply for a formal apprenticeship, part of the application was to make a gift for the shaman. I quizzed him a little on the Totems he worked with, as I had been completely unable to get any ideas or information on this at all. He told me that he often used Spider medicine and so I set to work.

I had just finished, it was a true labour of love.

At that time I was desperate to further my training. I looked at my creation...I wasn't on there. I needed to not only include myself but show clearly my intent. The Butterfly sprang to mind, symbolising the transformation I hoped to achieve. I placed it in the South West, to be a Shaman was my dream.

"I don't like that," my son stated on arriving home from school.

Hurt and bewildered I looked at him, "why not?"

"That Butterfly's caught in that Spider's web...I don't like it."

I pondered this for a long time. I talked to the Shaman I would be training with, expressing some doubts. He seemed more concerned by how I would be paying for my sessions, knowing I was on a limited income and insisted on clarifying what would be in it for him. I felt caught, I wanted the training. I had done a course previously but felt I had more to learn. I needed someone to talk to, to work with, someone that would understand.

I never applied for the training, thanks to my Son. Though it's only now that I realise I was walking into a trap, entangled by my wants and needs, convincing myself that I couldn't practice as a Shaman without it, not stopping to ask if it was right...

The animals want to work with me, they always have...they talk, they listen and they understand. What's more, they teach me well.

Spirit has many ways to guide us if we will but listen.

The Weaver caught me in a web, I was stuck for a while, I went very still, - I guess thats the anesthetic, mind numbing, can't think, can't feel, can't heal.

I embraced my cocoon.

A Shaman isn't made, they are born.

I learnt what needed to be taught and something shifted, something new emerged, I was free...

The Wheel had turned.

Toby or not Toby?

2007-09-18T02:55:00.000-07:00

That is the question.

It was only when writing the title, (punning at its worst) that I understood the answer.

Sunday morning, just as I was drifting into wakefulness I caught the tail end of a somewhat random dream.

I was aware that I was talking to a woman although I was unable to see her, primarily because I was cuddling and petting a fairly large dog. As I drew back and looked at the dog objectively I told her quite adamantly, "this is not Toby," and went on to explain why. "This is an English Beagle...the American Beagle is different, its shorter in the leg, somewhat stockier, less rangy...ahh...heres Toby now," I said as he trotted into view, "you see?"

Now Toby was a member of my family, no other pet has held such rank. His portrait still hangs in the dinning room, where he can watch us eat. He always did love his food, though I don't ever recall him sitting quite so still.

Everyone has a story about Toby from the grotesque to the ridiculous, he was famous you see and to some extent still is but the Tales of Toby, will have to wait for now.

I knew the dream was important, it screamed at me all day...

First my brother regaled us with how in Cyprus they had been adopted by a Beagle, they had photographs to prove it..."That's not Toby!" I shouted inside. Then when I turned on the TV later (something that is not habitual for me) there it was again, advertising something, though I don't recall what..."That's not Toby either."

I didn't get it, what was the message that I just couldn't hear? I journeyed on dogs and their Elders, the Wolfs...nothing...

Finally I decided to write it up, hoping something I missed would come to light. My mind began to play on words, Toby or not Toby, that is the question, I chuckled to myself - so what's the damn answer - Rah!!! Sheer frustration hit.

Last night I was granted a Soul retrieval and now I understand.

Toby was unique!

Over any other dog I would choose Toby, nothing else would be the same.

I too am unique, I'm not an imitation, I'm me.

Given the choice I choose To Be.

I choose Me.

Owl Power

2007-09-15T11:58:00.000-07:00

I couldn't settle last night, I knew I wanted to do something, to be active but I just couldn't work out what. I cast a small circle and resolved to meditate, hoping that guidance might come. I'd just begun to lightly chant when above my dulcet tones I heard the Owl begin to call. I smiled in welcome of her presence and thought of what this meant.

The Owl is the epitome of mystery, magic, vision and guidance, it can be used to help heighten our senses and teaches us to use our intuition, to follow our instincts. It is a symbol of the night, our dreams and our fears. In particular the power of the Owl is excellent for meditative work, for entering the silence.

As I drew these energies into the circle I remembered a beautiful Tawny Owl feather I had been lucky enough to find at a local animal sanctuary. As I held the feather gently and moved deeper into trance I was given clear instructions for its use.

I work intuitively, giving little thought to the process or materials I am using, only assessing what I've crafted when my work is done. This is a Tawny Owl Prayer Feather, it embodies all the power of the Owl. It has been dressed with rabbit fur, which is symbolic of the lunar cycle, fertility and the ability to make up lost ground, it aids the user in attuning to natural rhythms, promoting growth and change. There is beading in Amethyst which raises Spiritual awareness and encourages psychic abilities, healing, transformation and inner peace. The feather is completed with a Hematite moon, this enhances focus and concentration, will-power, courage and confidence, aiding balance and stability. These energies have been locked into the feather through prayer and it has been Smudged and blessed in circle. It has been designated for service of a higher purpose and cannot therefore be used in shadow.

This feather is not mine.

I am hoping its rightful owner will claim it...who knows you may just see it on eBay...

Cloud Gazing

2007-09-14T04:03:00.000-07:00

I wander'd lonely as a cloud...

Do clouds wander or wonder in loneliness?

I see them racing by, each unique, each alone as they travel, absorbing all they can. Then when they can take no more they abandon their load. They don't think about it, don't wonder if it's welcomed or wanted, they just let go.

Do they feel insecure, do they know they are alone?

A sudden gust of wind joins them with their neighbour, do they rejoice from this contact, catch up on all they've seen?

The wonders of the world lie before them, do they marvel at our magnificence our ability to transform the world around us or mock us in our madness, that we would dare to try?

They just pass by in silent observation, they do not question, they do not wonder why, they just wander on.

I to would like to wander as lonely as a cloud, unburdened, without questions, thoughts or fears...

but not without wonder!

New Beginnings

2007-09-13T15:02:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've blogged but today I saw the Buzzard circling in the East and for the first time since we moved here and I knew that something had changed.

I turned to my cards... to the animals... this is the message that they brought me...

This card represents that which was occurring when I decided not to continue with my last blog - I drew the 9 of Ancients, the Gila Monster, in reverse. This indicates a loss of balance, the need to take refuge for my own preservation, from an extreme and unhealthy situation.

I was interested to find out what was occurring at the time to cause this loss of balance and brought forth the 7 of Winged Ones, the Magpie, again reversed. This came as a warning, it was not safe for me to continue what I was doing and not to let my pride stop me from admitting a temporary defeat. It also implied that I could have been in danger from others, that I may have been the recipiate of psychic attack.

I needed to know if I was still at risk and whether or not to begin again. The last card I drew was the Moon. The Wolf has presented itself for my protection, it teaches us to be empowered by our ability to communicate, to trust our instincts and to prepare for the changes taking place, to walk our path with heart.

While this reading didn't offer me that much new information I was pleased to see the Wolf present. I have often worked with a young male Timber Wolf in the form of a Totem Guide. During the time I stopped writing he began to appear as a black Wolf which felt like a shadow side to his nature with which I felt uncomfortable and stopped connecting to him. Some months ago missing his playful energy, I decided to invest in a dog of my own and happily purchased what I thought to be an Inuit bitch.

It seems that my ability to manifest is still stong and within a few days of getting her home I realised that something was very wrong. I hit the internet and made tonnes of phone calls but soon I had my answer...I had been sold a Wolf-hybrid! Illegal in this country or requiring a Dangerous Wild Animals Licence this puppy had been advertised as being a great family pet and of all things I had named her La Loba, (the Wolf Woman), I'm guessing that means my intuition's still working!

While the wild woman in me would love to have kept her, her prey instinct around the children made this impossible and sadly she had to go back. It's nice to know that the spirit of the Wolf still watches over me and I welcome home my Totem Guide.